Fanservice
by Kiryume
Summary: Kamishiro Ryouga is IV's number 1 fan. (Hellshark, crack!fic)


Being the Asia Duel Champion isn't an easy thing, and IV knows this well enough. It's a hard job, keeping one's title and making sure no one steals it while looking good and professional at the same time; but he has his ways of doing it and in the several years he's held the position nobody's been able to deny that IV was and still is undefeated both in charms and skill. He himself is aware of that (how couldn't he be of his own beauty whenever he wakes up and stares at himself for an entire hour and a half in the mirror without even bothering to change clothes) and as a 'very smart kid' ,in his own words, he uses his talents fully to grasp everyone's love and attention.

IV loves that - he _adores_ his fans and them bawling over him - but of course not as much as they adore him. That's why he's the famous one around here, the one supposed to provide the fanservice. Any kind of it seems to please his people, and IV has made a list of the best succeeding techniques when increasing his fame, from least to most:

- smiling  
- pouting  
- smirking  
- laughing  
- telling bad jokes  
- walking around shirtless  
- walking around in nothing but his underwear  
- flexing his shoulders while he's almost naked  
- telling their name while purring like a cat  
- kissing their hands  
- kissing their cheeks  
- talk like a gentleman  
- talk suggestively  
- acting incestuous with his brothers

Lists are an important thing to have - they help keep himself organized - so he has one for most of the important things that he absolutely needs to remember (like not repeating clothes, people he's slept with so he doesn't repeat, and other minor stuff to make sure his schedule doesn't turn into a complete mess).

One of his lists is more crucial than the others; it's framed and written in huge letters, pinned above his bed with several copies in each room of his house because it's absolutely _life saving _to know that list by heart and have it everywhere just in case he's ever dumb enough to forget.

The piece of papers has less text than the others and it's nothing more than a classification of people that might pose a threat to him, from least dangerous or harmless to most. As to be expected not all fans are the same and he's split them into different categories - because famous people have a lot of free time on their hands and IV spends his either doing this or making sure his puppets are polished (is that a speck of dust always appearing on his favorite one's nose?). The list is short and easy to understand, making it simple for the pro to identify someone within it if the need ever arose:

- people who don't know about me: idiots  
- people who know about me but can't recognize me: worse idiots  
- people who know about me but don't like me: blind idiots  
- people who know about me but think I'm okay: excuse you that's just underrating  
- casual fans: easiest to work with  
- avid fans: potential threat but most likely harmless  
- fanboys: dangerous but easy to deal with if you show them your cards  
- fangirls: dangerous but easy to deal with if you show them your abs  
- Kamishiro Ryouga (_the name is written in capital letters and there are no comments added next to it except for several exclamation marks and a drawing of a shark_)

If anyone asks IV to describe Kamishiro Ryouga, he'll stay silent for a good half an hour and simply shake his head as an answer, and he isn't far away from the truth either. There are simply no words to describe the kid and now IV just limits himself in trying to avoid him at all costs - he knows he has to if he cares for his dear life.

Ryouga isn't the usual fan to deal with. In fact, IV thinks he isn't even human because most of the things he does are downright out of this world and the kid succeeds in creeping him out more than he does in gaining from him the five forty eight autographs he demands each day – he pops up with a pen and a paper god knows from every half an hour no matter where IV is or if it's the middle of the night.

He does anything just to get his attention, and IV has thought more than once about putting a restraint order against him. No, he's sure he _has _done such a thing, but not even the police is able to hold back this monster from sticking to the pro's shadow like a fanservice leech. Kamishiro Ryouga can't be stopped by the usual means, so he ended up paying trained bodyguards specialized in dealing with sharks.

Their job is simple; moving him from place to place on a tray as it's a bit hard to move inside the shark proof cage he ordered, and guarding around it with harpoons and tranquilizers in case the aggressor becomes too hostile. There's even one around his bed because more than once he'd woken up with Ryouga over him, either trying to strip him of his clothes (who wouldn't) or take pictures of his face. IV doesn't mind pictures but Ryouga could at least wait for him to powder his nose and not show up with a pale face.

As expected, the cage plan isn't enough and it's very quick to fall. Curse the day Ryouga's parents decided to buy him a water starter deck because the kid sure is smart, and waking up in the middle of the night with a Big Jaws munching the bars of your cage while this purple hair kid is taking shots of your horrified screams is the worst way to start your day (if you can say that at 3 am).

The horror that is Kamishiro Ryouga is far from stopping there. Sometimes he does normal fanboy things, like wearing IV's trademark T-shirts and pants, bugging IV to - duel him, _do_ him, what is he exactly saying in that accent of his - calling whatever he does fabulous (even picking his nose) and stealing his underwear; other times he's a creep enough to try take IV himself home. He succeeded once and had IV tied to a chair for a week before his brothers even remembered he exists and got him out of there.

On rainy nights the wild Ryouga can be witnessed by the curious climbing the Arclight manor in nothing but a speedo - to keep his clothes dry, he says - with a stack of waterproof papers under his arm and duct tape clenched between his teeth. IV thinks he might surely be at least an athlete or such Spiderman (spidershark?) maneuvers would be downright impossible.

In the morning after these nocturnal activities, the Arclights are delighted by roughly photoshopped - most likely not even that, IV could _swear_ that those lines are from Paint - pictures of Ryouga and his victim being a 'couple' taped all over their windows. Just as much as IV despises this and feels like burning the house down (maybe if he does Ryouga will think he's dead and stop) his father enjoys them and even keeps several of them in his room; probably to make paper boats out of them as he won't stop talking about ships.

If he thinks about it, Kamishiro Ryouga and his father aren't that different, and this whole ordeal does remind IV of those times in his childhood when his father would go around the world in pursuit of the great adventurer Tsukumo Kazuma and didn't give up until the whole thing cost him half a face. Literally.

When he's in the mood and got nothing better to do IV accepts Ryouga's constant pleas for a duel, only if the other agrees not to get closer than five hundred meters from him (which naturally requires a split screen to have a proper conversation). Even in those situations it's mostly Ryouga doing the talking because all IV feels like is snarling at him - and that would be very wrong and ruin his fanservice in front of the other fans watching them.

He doesn't say normal things either. It all ranges from things like _your soul burns right through me when we duel _(why isn't it burning you down) to _our destinies are tied together by unbreakable bonds _(and IV proceeds to summon Gimmick Puppet Scissor Arms to cut those accursed bonds).

There are duels where Kamishiro Ryouga even dresses himself up as a purple power ranger - at least it looks like a power ranger though he isn't sure they're supposed to wear capes - and tries to make IV to call him Nasch even if he seems way more excited and his knees fail him whenever IV calls him Ryouga (leave me the fuck alone). It's a ritual that has been repeating a lot lately and IV has gotten to think it has to be some sort of nerd mating call.

At very rare times Ryouga doesn't circle around him and that gives him some time for himself to breathe but at the same time worries him, because that kid not stalking him is a sign that something isn't well (not that he _cares_ for him). His 'worries' disappear quickly when he remembers the boy has acquired a body pillow of him; IV has seen it several times under Ryouga's arms or as he carefully placed it at the back of his motorcycle. The pro has been curious enough to approach it once or twice - because it was a damn body pillow of himself who wouldn't find that attractive -only to notice that it is worn out around the crotch area of his picture as if something had rubbed against it repeated times at very high speeds and _oh gods please tell me Ryouga didn't go there_.

Kamishiro Ryouga is also tolerable when IV is drunk, preferably very drunk; in those cases he just listens to whatever the other has to way without paying much attention to anything that comes out of that (totally _not_ pretty) mouth of his. And he is definitely _not _kissing it less than half an hour later and they're clearly _not _having sex in IV's hotel room - Ryouga's way too busy to live tweet he's sleeping with the Asia Champion while they're at it to even bug IV about it anyway - and absolutely _not _cuddling after it until they fall asleep.

If IV was half as smart as he thinks he is (is he even a third of it) he would've known that sleeping with Kamishiro Ryouga's out of the question and that's why he put him first on that list in the first place, but what is done is done. Now he has to face the consequences.

Nobody prepared poor IV for _that_ kind of consequence. Nobody. Being in the middle of a family dinner during Christmas and having Ryouga coming down your chimney dressed as Santa Claus (with a pillow under his jacket for a belly) stating that he's pregnant and asking you to take responsibility wasn't to be expected at all. And Ryouga can't be pregnant, because the last time IV checked he is just as manly as him - for some reason that statement causes his brothers to laugh.

But Kamishiro Ryouga insists and insists that he is going to have a child and that it belongs to IV (_it happens in fanfiction so why won't you believe me?!) _and IV's father agrees with the fact that he has to act accordingly so now he finds himself engaged to the person he is supposed to avoid the most. Nine months later the 'baby' is born - because shaking your shirt and having it fall out from under it is how birth works for men, Ryouga assures. Granted, it's nothing more but a pillow with a face drawn on it and a mop sewn to it as hair (Ryouga gets very mad if you point that out because _poor Ryouga IV Junior is sensitive). _

The wedding takes place a few months after the birth and IV does his best to smile in front of the photographer who's taking the final picture of him and his 'bride' even if he feels like plunging into the cake in hope he'll suffocate to death and not have to go through this whole thing (especially since his brothers are the bride maids and it's painful how much better they look in a dress than IV himself).

When it's all over, they move together to IV's apartment and Ryouga quickly does thousands of changes and IV does make sure one thing stays - the list that states that for his own good and safety he must absolutely, at all costs, avoid Kamishiro Ryouga.


End file.
